princess tales of woe

I had quite the harrowing experience at the Winn Dixie shopping center today in podunk fl. I got off work and I was starving. (I took something for lunch, but we did not have any peanut butter for a sandwich, so all I had was some snacks.) Needless to say I was a hungry pregnant woman. I had to stop by Winn Dixie to get a small list of things we had to have for the rest of the week and I knew it would only take a minute, (in theory). I was thinking on the way there that I would LOVE a slice of pizza, so I decided to keep my eyes open for a pizza place, although I knew the odds were against me.

I found the Winn Dixie and low and behold I see a little local pizza place that has a big sticker in the window that says "Pizza by the slice". I thought it was my lucky day! Now, it had started raining on my way there, so when I got out of the car I grab my umbrella. Interestingly enough, my umbrella was still wrapped in its clear plastic, it had never been used. I actually got this umbrella at a garage sale a long time ago, it was so pretty, bright lime green, I loved it. Anyway, I do not open it to walk in because it is just drizzling, so i just take it with me.

I complete my shopping in record time and I am heading out the door. By now it is really raining hard, but I am prepared with my handy dandy, brand new umbrella. Well, I pull of the bright lime green sleeve and I am shocked to see the umbrella is not the same underneath. It is odd looking and it has kittens all over - In a word, HIDEOUS! I am thinking, I don't want to use this ugly umbrella, but the alternative is to get soaked. So, I open it up and waddle out to my car. (I have felt bad all day, and have been moving extra slow. I just don't have any energy today.) I realize half way to my car that I have forgotten to roll up my pants and they are getting soaked. With each step I take I feel them getting soggier and soggier. All my stupid maternity jeans are not petites, so they are long. The stupid pants I had on today are mediums, but they still just fall off of me, so they are even longer. Anyway, I am stepping in some big puddles so I start tip toeing, trying to save my pants. By the time I get to my car I am completely outdone. I pop the trunk and try to bend over and roll up my pants, all while holding the umbrella.

Well, that did not work out for me, they did not stay rolled up, and in the meantime I am getting soaked. I give up on a lost cause and start to try to get the groceries in the trunk. I am having a hard time holding the umbrella and getting the groceries in, still standing on my tiptoes. I just cannot balance, so I say to heck with this and I put the umbrella up. I load the car in the rain. I am soaked, my pants are soggy and the only thing left is to take the cart to the 'cart corral'. Of course, there is not one anywhere near me. OF COURSE. So, I walk to the drivers side and go searching in my purse for the keys, so I can deposit my purse and my 20oz sprite inside. I finally remember they are in my stupid pocket, so I fish them out, all the while getting poured on, and throw my stuff in the car. I decide that I am going to use the umbrella and walk this stupid cart two lanes over and put it where it goes. I am sooooooo mad at this point that I feel like spewing forth a few explicitives. I could just spit nails.

My pants are still falling down and my pant legs are a lost cause, so I get my umbrella open and traipse over and put up my cart like a responsible citizen. I just cannot bring myself to just leave it somewhere, I think people that do that are so lazy and irresponsible. (I know, I know, just one of my pet peeves.) I FINALLY get back to my car and that stupid umbrella sticks and won't close. I put all I have into it, meanwhile I am getting even more wet cause I cannot close the door until I get that dadgum umbrella closed. Sigh. In only a matter of 10 minutes, I have been completely put out. I get it closed, shut my door and lean over and roll up my pant legs. It has been driving me crazy and I am so very mad, that I do it just for spite. Doesn't help me at this point.

The pizza place, that had once seemed heaven sent, is thankfully in the same parking lot. I drive over and park right near it. I decide I am still gonna get that slice of pizza, soaking wet or not. I deserve it at this point. I get out of the car and it has stopped raining so hard, it is back to drizzling, so I do not need my offensive umbrella. I am halfway up to the pizza place and I realize that in my anger, I double rolled up one of my pants legs, but not the other. I look around and try to decide if I care - I decide at this point I DON'T. I pass some people, hold my head high, and head into the pizza place. Now remember, I am in a little nowhere town. I walk in there and there are three men standing behind the counter, only one of them works there. The other two just stand there and look at me as I stand at the counter waiting for the other guy to get off the phone. They just stare at me like I am a bug and I wonder at this point if my white shirt has become see thru, due to all the rain. I dismiss the thought only because hey, at this point, what can I do? I look ridiculous with my pants all lopsided, I am hugely pregnant, and I am soaking wet. who cares? I hold my head up and order my freaking pizza.

After a 3 minute wait, I get my order and head to my car. Halfway there the whole thing gets funny to me and I start laughing out loud. If I thought I could not look any crazier, I have achieved it. I just cannot hold it in, I am laughing as I climb back into my car and drive home. What an experience! Finally, in true pregnancy fashion, I cry on the way home. That's right, in a matter of 30 minutes I have gone from spitting nails angry, to laughing my head and lastly crying my little broken heart out.

Ahhh the joys of pregnancy hormones..........