Advice for fathers

This was so funny, when I read it I laughed out loud. Number three is a major husband-ism. I like number six, all men should heed these little lessons learned the hard way.


Fatherly advice from one whose been there:

1. Settle on the name beforehand. At the hospital, you're emotional, you're tired, you're taking "Mr.-Marlatt-I've-never-quite-seen-a-baby-held-that-way-before" lessons from the aftercare nurse. This is not a good time to choose the name that your child will live with until the day he or she can legally change it. And no, don't count on a miracle: that on first view your child will so resemble some beloved relative / celebrity / friend that you will instantly know which name to use. Frankly, if parents named their children after that first visual impression, there would be a plethora of youngsters out there named "Congealed Tomato Soup."

2. Make sure the house is stocked with the postpartum essentials: milk, microwave meals, mother-in-law.

3. During the actual delivery, it is not prudent to bring up the subject of successive children. You'd be astonished at the reaction this gets.

4. The car seat: Have an experienced parent put it in for you. You can't take the baby home without a car seat, and after the sea of showers, you've probably got six to choose from. But unless you've practiced, don't try to figure it out yourself on Going-Home Day because they won't let you drive the baby off in a seat secured by duct tape and fishing wire.

5. The Celebratory Cigar. The Celebratory Drink. Here's a better idea: the Celebratory Nap.

6. Stay in touch with your physical condition. If you begin to feel ill, back off. Don't moan about it. Don't stew about it. Don't, in other words, put your wife in a position where she feels compelled to present some rather graphically persuasive evidence as to why she should feel worse than you do. Just go home.